While backpacking, I learned that:
- Anyone who starts a sentence with the words “Hello my friend...” is absolutely not your friend.
- Making sweeping generalisations about nationalities is a stupid, dangerous and inaccurate business.
- Contrary to popular belief, the English are not the most obnoxious species of traveller.
- Israelis are.
- In fact, the English only claim a bronze medal at best: the silver goes to the ever-reliable French, who are every bit as pompous in, say, Vietnam, as they are in Paris.
- In accordance with popular belief, most Canadians really are quite nice, if a little stupid.
- The vast majority of Americans you meet on the road are smart, engaging and enthusiastic. The really special ones stay at home, hating people, shooting things and voting Republican.
- You will never see an Asian in South America with a backpack on his back. They wear them on the front, like a precious child.
- Anywhere in the world the Irish are great company, but then I knew that already.
- People who moan that life in the UK couldn't be worse have absolutely no fucking clue what they're talking about.
Photo: Wee Mo
- It is very hard to get used to putting arse-paper in the bin, especially as a man. After 14 months, it still strikes me as weird.
- In large parts of the United States, the tap water tastes like mould.
- If you don't carry a gun in San Salvador, you're in the minority.
- There are few things in the world more wonderful than the British supermarket, especially at Christmas time.
- Britain has meddled in the affairs of almost every country on the planet. Sometimes it advanced a nation by centuries; sometimes it was a shameless invasion, but I will never again think that the UK is nothing more than a daft wee country that's shit at the Olympics. The modern world – for all it's ugly faults – wouldn't be same if we hadn't been so ambitious, organised and cruel.
- There are few pleasures on Earth that outweigh listening to a Frenchman grumble that the English language has spread all over the globe. Tell it to Napoleon, Dickface – tell it to Wellington!
- The passion of British football fans is to the passion of South American football fans as Stephen Hawking's boxing skills are to those of Manny Pacquiao.
- The fame of the Scottish Highlands, when compared to mountain ranges around the world, is also a total mystery.
- There are a long list of cities that you've never heard of that have more people in them than all of Scotland. Many of them are in China.
- Lucky 88 Chinese takeaways are not so named because, as I thought previously, they are all coincidentally located at number 88 on their respective streets. No, it's means more than that.
Photo: Wee Mo
- Walkers shortbread is available globally, as is Scottish whiskey. Alas, the tattie scone hasn't quite spread its wings so far. Yet.
- Roaring alcoholism has.
- Air conditioning is likely humankind's greatest invention.
- There are few more disheartening sounds in nature than the pneumatic screech of a mosquito in your ear at 3am.
- No one outside of Britain and America makes good music, and the former considerably out-performs the latter, and always has. If you need evidence of this, listen to an 80's compilation CD, several of which can be heard on Chilean buses.
- Si absolutamente necesario, puedo hablar une poco Español.
- People are fundamentally good, especially once they accept the fact they can't sell you anything.
- An hour on a bus is not a long time; in fact only when a journey stretches past a solid day will I now regard it as “long.”
- Travelling long distance on a bus in Argentina is far, far more comfortable that travelling with a budget airline in Europe. The buses include food, wine, movies, and a piss-pot, AND usually feel a lot less like they'll kill you.
- Backpacking is essentially like being at a very, very long festival: unexpected things happen all the time; disgusting things also happen regularly; it is almost completely unforgettable, save for the bad bits; you'll probably run out of money; and it's best to accept the fact that you will fucking stink for most of it.
Photo: Wee Mo
- People in the countries of South East Asia are not part of a homogeneous, like-minded whole: the Vietnamese are as different to Thais as the French are to Germans.
- Not every country is worth visiting. Exhibit A: Brunei. Exhibit B: Paraguay. Exhibit C: Honduras.
- In the UK, crisps advertise having “20% less sodium and fat”; in America, “chips” advertise having “20% more chips.”
- Argentina, Peru, Chile, Colombia, every country in Central America, Malaysia and Singapore all have vastly superior bus networks than America.
- If I owned a hostel or restaurant, I would strive for the Lonely Planet's recommendation. I would also massage HostelBookers and HostelWorld reviews to ensure I was top dog and that my rivals always had something unsavoury as their most recent comment.
- A visit to any major Asian city will bring with it the virtual guarantee of seeing vermin. In Vietnam rats can also be found on the menu.
- I'll say it again: the condition of idiocy is not restricted by colour, age, creed, sex or anything else.
- Q. What happens when you cross the good looks of Spain with those of Italy?A. Argentina.
- Anyone seeking their fame and fortune should head to Patagonia and become a perfidious purveyor of peanut butter. £12 a jar, I shit you not. Alternatively, sell Marmite in Asia - £11 a go.
- There are many things I would now deem essential to a round-the-world trip. An underwater camera is one; a laptop is another. Oh and Skype, too.
Photo: Wee Mo
- Being afraid is a terrible thing. The sooner you can overcome it in places like Buenos Aires, the sooner you will have a better time. However, in places like San Salvador, it can be quite healthy.
- "The only thing stronger than this moonshine is Mother Nature, motherfucker."
- A visit to Antarctica or the Galapagos is like a trip into human-free pre-history.
- Travelling for a year does not require membership to a secret society, nor any kind of exclusive club. Anyone can do it, you just need money and dedication. It's worth it, too.
- Our jobs are more interesting than approximately 88% of people we meet.
- There is almost certainly no one guarding Israel – every bastard is in South America, cluttering up the joint, pushing, shoving, shouting Hebrew, laughing at any concept of manners, and generally annoying people. No one likes to be excluded from a group; Israelis exclude everyone, ergo no one likes Israelis. I cannot believe it is because they are born bastards, nor that it's something inherent to Judaism. Instead I think it's because they're literally trained to be c***s in the world's most despicable army. After three years of being told what to do, they are unleashed on the world, and spend a year letting their ids take over. The rest of the global backpacking community has to deal with the fallout, all the while tiptoeing around any conversations that point out that, y'know, if any country needed a PR boost, it'd be theirs.
- Being seen as the big man matters in Asia. This can range from refusing to back down in an argument, to literally sitting on a cushion to make themselves “bigger” than everyone else at the table.
- There are too many dogs in the world and not enough swallows (assuming that swallows eat all biting insects).
- Whoever is behind marketing the English Premiership as a global brand has done a ridiculously good job and is doubtless exceedingly rich. In every corner of the planet there is someone who will happily watch Blackburn vs Stoke. Amazing.
- When it comes to telling someone your nationality, Scottish>European>British>English.
- The moment you tell most foreigners that you are Scottish, they will reference Braveheart, whiskey and/or kilts. Pre-1995 they must have had 33% less to say. That would have been nice.
- Humankind is utterly and irreversibly fucked, because no matter how little money people have Sexy Time is always free.
- Visiting religious sites around the world is a great way to spend time, even if all they do is underline the certain non-existence of any god from this era or any other. So many monuments, so few results.
- It becomes surprisingly easy to turn down a child beggar surprisingly quickly.
- Having blonde hair and blue eyes, in many parts of the world, is tantamount to walking around with a sign saying “I have more money than you, please harass me.”
- As you travel picking up bits of the world's history, you learn that religion has certainly scarred humanity more than it has healed. So many persecutions, inquisitions, wars... Then you realise that you could learn the same thing by picking up today's newspaper, let alone looking at history. Then you begin to feel very glum indeed.
- It's worth going to Argentina for the steak alone.
- It's worth going to Argentina for the Iguazu Falls alone.
- It's worth going to Argentina for the Fitz Roy range alone.
- It's worth going to Argentina.
- Of the many spurious things that have been said about seeing the world, probably the most accurate is: “There is no better form of education than travel.”
- There are sights in the world too large and beautiful for my brain to fully comprehend e.g. The Perito Moreno glacier, the Iguazu Falls, Yosemite National Park, and all of Antarctica.
- There are few clichés more accurate than a smug diver saying: “It's a different world down there.”
- There's probably quite a strong argument that says the world today would be better off if America had done its time as a British colony, rather than going and winning the War of Independence.
- No nation on Earth makes films so resolutely focussed on misery as Britain.
- Contemporary American drama is so good that even in a windowless, sweaty hell-hole in, say, Cambodia, watching it can transport me to a very different place.
- There are few more heart-warming sights than watching an elderly couple dance the tango to the music of a hastily assembled busking band, simply because they have a spare five minutes and are still in love.
- In their more generous moments, some parents say that breeding is the best thing they've ever done. Time will tell, but I'm guessing most of them haven't been travelling.
- Westerners hate to know where their dinner comes from and go to great lengths to make sure it looks like unrecognisable food and not the source animal. Everyone else is quite happy to buy this or that with the head still on, its death mask frozen in anguish, then feed its feet to their kids.
- If you go into any internet café abroad, 80% of people are looking at Facebook. Part of me wants to believe that it's because Facebook a wonderful communication tool, a way for people to maintain relationships as they further their minds and nourish their souls.But most of me accepts that it's because every narcissistic bastard simply wants to scream: “Wooo! Raarrr! Look at me! I Done A Holiday!”
Photo: Wee Mo
- Not all bananas taste like banana.
- Bob Marley can be heard on every continent, even Antarctica. And I do not like Bob Marley.
- If you want to get steaming, high and chase tail, there's not much point in going backpacking – blow the money in Ibiza et al instead. You're less likely to get a doing, and you won't feel so guilty about shitting away your money on beer, drugs and fanny.
- There are many poorer counties on Earth, but few as clatty as Bolivia, the lofty toilet of South America. Annoyingly, there aren't many more naturally beautiful either.
- This is largely down to the fact that the colonial-era Spanish cared little for digging sewers. On the other hand the French and British did – that's why you can go somewhere as shockingly poor as Cambodia today and flush away your jobbies, paper and all, with glee.
- A pandemic/climatic catastrophe/zombie apocalypse that reduced the world's population by 30% - 50% would not, overall, be a bad thing.
- There are places where ordering McDonalds really is the healthier option.
- It takes approximately seven minutes to learn how to ride a motorbike.
- In Central America, it's worth hastily pointing out that you're not American, even if you are. After 50 years of death squads here, puppet governments there, and now a vast ocean of gluttonous pensioners, it's no surprise that they're not exactly popular.
- English is a larger, more complicated language than Spanish. Its endless combinations, accents and variations must be a bastard to learn. But in the refining of it – the artistry, the flexibility – it becomes more beautiful.
- Reading in a hammock is one of the world's great pleasures, and one of its great sedatives.
- Mexican food is better than Tex Mex, and it's important to know the difference.
- I can now list surfing and snorkelling among my hobbies and interests.
- If the rest of the world implemented MOTs like the UK, approximately 70% of the planet's cars would be taken off of the road.
- In Laos, the Toyota Hilux is the corrupt government official's vehicle of choice.
- The people in America gave me absolutely no surprises in nearly seven weeks in their country. The countryside, though, made a mockery of my expectations
- Nurseries in America are loud enough to cause industrial deafness. If anyone else has an explanation as to why so many of them talk so fucking loudly, please write in.
- For their respective populations, there are a quite ridiculous number of Dutch and Swiss on the road.
- Being a backpacker doesn't make everyone more interesting, in fact it can often make them considerably more inane.
- No five star hotel is ever worth the money. I say this having stayed at Hiltons, Sherratons, Le Meridians, Six Senses, Raffles, Four Seasons, Ritzs, Langhams, Shangri-Las, Crowne Palazas, boutique independents and half a dozen others I can't recall. Thank fuck I've never actually paid for one.
Photo: Wee Mo
- The British royal family still matter terribly. I know this having watched a group of 20 gruff-looking men huddled round a TV watching King Billy's wedding in Bogota.
- A Staffordshire terrier can spend the night in the luggage hold of a coach and come out not wanting to eat faces, it can even be relaxed, almost.
- Cockfighting is troubling to watch, but as normal as horse racing in dozens of countries around the world – and much more normal than racing dogs.
- The Mayans and Incans weren't merry tree hugging innocents, but brutal, systematic killers who wiped out all their competitors before they were dealt the same hand by the Spanish.
- That said, they had a fine eye for architecture and location.
- There really isn't any bed in the world better than your own.
- Like bread and cheese, most beer outside of Europe is crap.
- I prefer cold weather to hot. But warm, once in a while, is very nice.
- Travelling for a long time is bad for almost every relationship you have; except, if you're lucky, the one you have with yourself.
- “And there may be ten thousand roads over the land, but they shall never confuse me, for my heart's blood will ever return to its beautiful source.”
- In the end, travelling alters your brain permanently. It changes your perception of the world – it is a period of endless learning. It requires work, patience and dedication, even after you've saved hard to afford it. Some things depress you, but more amaze you. It gives you new eyes to look back on your old life with too. As you remember them, your loved ones by turns appear fantastic and fickle. It becomes understandable that some people never readjust to their old life, something you probably thought ridiculous before.But then you spend months, years, exposed to things that at home would make the news. You frequently see things that are beyond explanation, enormous, staggering things; things that you've never seen before – not even on TV; things that you really had to be there for.But – lucky you – you were.
Photo: Wee Mo
