Wake at 5am in boring Battambang, cursing the Asian habbit of getting up with the sun. Stumble along to the marketplace and haggle over the cost of five micro bananas. Decide that 12 cents is fair, but that almost $2 for two apples is a joke. Buy baguettes and mega-muffins for $1.20 instead. Get back to hotel, force coffee down, mash two bananas into baguette and make way to river.
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| Photo: Wee Mo |
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| Photo: Wee Mo |
Endure four hot hours on wooden bench. Stop for lunch at floating shop, get forced into buying cold ice-tea for laughable $1.50; steal more micro bananas by way of revenge. Suffer through six more hours on boat, including five breakdowns, being cast adrift in massive lake and propeller jamming in section of river rammed with lilies.
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| Photo: Wee Mo |
Finally get to shore near Siem Reap. Greeted by tuk tuk driver who upon hearing where we are staying, nearly shits himself in disbelief. Bump along road in three-wheeler and pull up to the city's oldest and grandest hotel, like bums who found gold in the city dump. Greet bemused doorman like we own the joint. Enjoy crisp, cold towel for face and neck; deeply inhale lemongrass-scented lobby; chug welcome drink. Flop onto most comfortable beds we've had for months. Shower. Marvel at the miracle of conditioner. Laugh.
Head to cellar to take part in free wine-tasting. Try not to chortle at pompous French sommelier; try not to make roaring arseholes of ourselves in front of paying guests. Attempt to sound smart by referencing one of the only National Geographic articles I've ever read; get immediately gazumped by New York lawyer quoting Shelley to describe feeling of seeing Angkor temples.
Try to shoot the shit about wine, as though my knowledge spreads beyond Sideways. Talk about Sideways. Become aware that we're getting shit-faced. Scoff more canapes to counteract wine. Agree to more wine anyway.
Leave cellar with nice shine, but hunger in bellies. Realise that the restaurant charges 10 times the going rate for spring rolls and is utterly out of our price range. Depart hotel and buy crisps from local supermarket. Return to the hotel and whoop with delight on discovering that cakes are half-price from 6pm. Eat cake. Sleep.
Tuesday:
Wake up, turn on computer and discover that we are to go to Antarctica in December. Fight nausea brought on by overwhelming glee. Jump, dance, cry. Hide complimentary fruit and water to ensure room service drops off more, thereby giving us free lunch for the following day.
Head to breakfast with PR, sitting on the news like puppies on diamonds. Breathe sigh of relief as she quickly sheds cloak of bullshit and talks like Actual Person. Enjoy first-class, sprawling breakfast.
Meet chef. Head to market with both to begin Khymer cooking class. Spend four hours learning, over-eating and thinking how great the upcoming foreign curryspondence will be.
Head back to room, digest scran, talk about Antarctica. Try to write pish feature. Decide to take excitement to state-of-the-art gym. Watch tremendously dull game of Brazilian football on TV built into running machine. Sweat, pant, eat free fruit.
Try to have early night as free food has satiated us for the day. Fail to have early night due to Antarctica excitement. Do daily sums and realise that we haven't spent a bastardin' penny.
Wednesday:
Wake up, take time in shower and head to breakfast troughs. Eat three plates, then find way to eat fourth so as to avoid buying lunch. Get decried as a “buffet-munching bastard” by Wee Mo. Weigh up consequences of sneaking miniature rolls into bag to keep for dinner.
Meet tuk-tuk driver outside hotel as his lowly vehicle isn't allowed onto mighty hotel property. Leave for first day at the Temples of Angkor. Shed $80 for two, three-day tickets and within an hour of starting, realise that it represents superb value. Get continually amazed by day of staggering history. Give away fruit to street kids.
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| Photo: Wee Mo |
See Wednesday.
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| Photo: Wee Mo |
Friday:
Get up in pre-dawn darkness. Fall down marble staircase into tuk-tuk. Along with 2,000 or so other fuckwits, head to Angkor Wat – the world's largest religious building – and see nothing other than grey clouds during sunrise. Console ourselves with the unmanageable enormity of the complex.
Meet with tuk-tuk driver and head out to Temples of Angkor for the final time. Somehow get bamboozled afresh by the eerie Cthulhu trees of Ta Prohm; feel as though we're just starting a final level of Tomb Raider as we enter Bayon. Chastise UNESCO's idiotic Seven Wonders of the Modern World list for not including these marvellous places.
Shower for final time at luxury hotel, and nearly cry when asked to pay for cooking class. Mistake rectified, get another tuk-tuk to take us to hostel within our budget. Check into windowless, furniture-free room that costs just $3 for the night. Lie under the mosquito net watching complimentary sausage-sized insect attempting to get in. Sigh upon realising that net deflects the faint gusts from fan above. Turn on lap-top and watch episode of the rapidly-improving True Blood in the darkness. Smile at our ridiculous lives.
