God left dis place a luong tahme agoo - Day Three





Standing in a pungent spice shop, being jostled by busy workers bagging up cardamom seeds and saffron and paprika and peri peri and chilli powder and ginger and cumin, I think, “This has the makings of a foreign curryspondence.

We’re in the Malay quarter of Cape Town – the Bo-Kaap – an area that were it not for the glorious colours of the buildings, would look like an especially depressing inner-city scheme. It certainly doesn’t feel very African.


N is our guide and quite possibly the cheeriest (and certainly the campest) Muslim I have ever met. It’s hard not to think that it’s a goddamn shame that more people aren’t like him though: when talking about abstinence during daylight in Ramadan, he titters that “really we’re like vampires – raaarrr!” Before folding into giggles.

This part of town was the settlement of choice for descendents of Javanese slaves who were brought here by the largely evil Dutch East India Company. Today the remnants of that enforced emigration is a strong Muslim community spread between a few colourful streets near the city centre. What was once a near slum is now makes up some of the most sought-after real estate in the city.

We are on the Cape Malay Cooking Safari, a brief cultural tour of the area, before moving onto the considerably more important topic of food as, alongside the religion here, culinary techniques and recipes have endured.

We’re led into one of the drabbest houses on the block and straight into a family living room. An initially shy, then increasingly boisterous and ultimately irritating five-year-old peeks down from half way up a staircase; two teenage daughters fiddle with their head-scarves and a gurgling baby; in the middle of it all stands F, the mother. She’s got a wearied knowing look of parenthood about her that almost obscures an undercurrent of mischief. F is a ball breaker, always on everyone’s case, maybe joking, maybe not. She treats international guests and the five-year-old the same.

We’re quizzed on some of the spices we’d seen earlier in shop and largely fail, before we’re cajoled (and occasionally bollocked) into kneading dough to make rotis, mixing ingredients for the curry and then folding samosas. At one point, Wee Mo finds herself stirring a pot with one hand and holding a baby in the other. It’s manic stuff, but all good fun. Moreover, the scran is – to my surprise – actually Quite Good, even though all we really did was follow the occasionally threatening directions.

A couple of hours later we leave with full bellies and a slight whiff of curry following us in the air. It’s not right to say that it’s downhill from there – or if it is, it’s only in an emotional sense.

When Nelson Mandela was released from jail, I was seven years old; when he became the first black president of South Africa, I was 11. The word Apartheid meant little – it maybe had something to do with the Nazis, I wasn’t sure.

This and dozens of other mounds of my ignorance are dissolved when we’re picked up by O, our fourth guide in three days, who is to take us on a township tour. He gives us a full and frank history of the cities troubled past – born in 1951, he lived through the majority of the racist Apartheid regime.

The first stop is District 6, a former neighbourhood and current wasteland near the heart of the city. In 1966 an agreement was signed to clear the area as it had been designated as white-only. Depending on skin colour (which was often decided via the Pencil Test) people were given more or less notice to clear out before the demolition began. Apparently one black family were eating breakfast in the kitchen when a bulldozer came through the living room.

From here people were displaced around the city to designated townships. They, along with thousands of others brought in from rural areas to aid with construction, remain home to some of the poorest ethic groups. We stop in Khayelitsha which with over 2 million inhabitants (Glasgow and Edinburgh combined) is the biggest township in the city. O shows us the hangover of Apartheid, people living in corrugated iron shacks without power or running water. At one point K and I find ourselves sitting in one of these little shed-homes, listening to a dress-maker tell us the story of how her cheating husband gave her HIV. When we leave I give her some money which is pathetic, but all I can think to do in the moment. Outside, some kids throw themselves in front of the camera, unaware of the misery all around.


The guide explains that the reason this way of living became so popular was partly down to the alternative, which saw men rounded up from other areas of the country and forced to work unreasonable hours before going to bed in horrendous squalor, with up to 20 people sharing in a room. Here Wee Mo and I feel particularly ashamed; that, after all, is exactly how tens of thousands of Indians, Pakistanis and Pinoys are living in the Middle East today. We’re humbled, embarrassed and massively uncomfortable with a lot of what O has to teach us, but that’s undoubtedly a good thing.

Throughout he keeps on talking about the “miracle of South Africa”: that the country didn’t fall into civil war because of Mandela’s pleas for black to forgive white; that the families forcibly removed from District 6 are now being offered a new home or compensation by the government; that now areas of Khayelitsha are now being torn down and replaced with simple, but safe homes complete with electricity and running water. He points out some of this work going on.

“This time the bulldozers are welcome,” I say, feeling a bit sick, but still somehow thinking that it might make a good closing line for a piece of Actual Journalism.

“Yes my friend,” he says laughing.

God left dis place a luong tahme agoo - Day Two

We’re up early for another tour this time of the west coast, north of Cape Town. I gorge on too much breakfast, making a pig of myself in the twee Morning Room and half an hour later, we’re picked up by L and her partner M. The latter is a native Afrikaner who grew up on a farm – he looks like it too, with fat leathery hands and a cap screwed tight onto his head. He looks like he’s in his mid 40s; she looks a bit older.

“I’m from Rhodesia,” she says briskly. “I’m embarrassed to call it Zimbabwe.” If that sounds a little severe, though, she turns out to be really quite a cool person. A little bit bossy, a little bit funny, but very friendly, she makes more effort than anyone to make sure we feel welcome in her adopted county.

She has decided to largely ignore the plans for today, opting instead to take us to some of her preferred tourist spots. First up is an ostrich farm, where the cartoonish birds are raised for slaughter. Most of the carcass is used and – to my ignorant surprise – the hide is especially important as ostrich leather is some of the most durable in the world. The meat is eaten; the feathers used for dusters; the egg-shells whittled down for jewellery or decorated as ornaments. It all reminds me of a long-lost primary school project on Native Americans.
We feed a couple of ostriches (which owing to an unfortunate incident with a goose as a toddler is a little traumatic) and even get on the back of one at one point, although it’s tethered in a stall. It’s friendly enough, but if you piss off an ostrich enough, it can rip your belly open, raptor-style. They can also run at a sustained 40mph, so you wouldn’t be able to get away from them either. The best tactic, apparently, is to hit the deck as they can only kick forward, not down. I guess punching it in the balls would be the next move after that.
Our next stop is the !Khwa Ttu [sic], San culture and educational centre. We’re taken out a little into the bush, to a mock campsite to learn a bit about the traditional San (traditional bushmen) lifestyle. While watching a guy start fire and fashion bone into a bracelet is only so interesting, listening to them talk the native dialect – all clicks and pops – is really cool, as are the imitations of the animals. As a young San man, those sounds are important; you need to know what’s sneaking up on your tent at night. Out here, there are all kinds of wandering beasts, from lions to snakes to the eland, the biggest antelope in the world, which based on its skull alone must be an intimidating bastard up close.

We drive to the coast for lunch at On The Rocks at Bloubergstrand. From here there’s supposed to be a great view of Table Mountain, but today the whole thing is covered in cloud. Unsurprisingly, seafood dominates the menu in most of the posh-to-middling restaurants in the Western Cape so I order mussels to start and line-caught yellowtail for main. It’s nice. I don’t think much more about it.

Chins wiped, business cards handed to manager, we are whisked away to meet some beach conservationists. An hour passes in a gloomy beach hut as we are given a Powerpoint presentation on the ecology of the region. It’s pretty dire stuff and, with a belly full of food, staying awake is a genuine challenge, which is a shame for the student giving us the talk. Having already stuttered to a stop and confessed of nerves in front of her audience (just the four of us) my yawning and Wee Mo slouching bored at the end of the table no doubt don’t help.

By the time we get back into the car, we’re a bit fed up but have to stop in at the South African Foundation for the Conservation of Coastal Birds (SANCCOB) before we can head for home. Something in my stomach doesn’t feel quite right.

We’re met by V who has worked at the centre for seven years. Initially starting as volunteer, she’s now a fully qualified vet. She shows us around, introducing us to a poorly penguin and a demented cormorant. Many of the birds in here have been poisoned by some kind of pollution, but a significant number are injured by seals.

“So the penguins eat fish, the seals eat the penguins and the sharks eat them?” I ask.

“Yeah,” says V, “I wish there were more sharks.”

Like everyone else we’ve spoken to, she hasn’t been shark cage diving (M actually laughed at the prospect earlier) instead leaving it to the tourists. Struggling for much to say while she is jostled by a huddle of penguins trying to get some of the fish she has in a bucket, we ask about the king penguin we saw at the aquarium yesterday.

“Oh that’s a really sad story. It lived up in Namibia with its partner for 27 years, then it was transferred here. Unfortunately the partner got sick and died when they were in Cape Town – she died right here, we were all in tears.”

But what about the mirror?

“They put that in to keep in company. They need to be quite strict though and limit it – they can become quite obsessed otherwise. But you saw how much he looks forward to Mirror Time…”

Crushed under the gloom, we are ushered back to the car. As soon as we get in, though, I realise that the odd feeling in my stomach isn’t heartache, but a growing sense of being unwell. M asks to be dropped off and by the time we’ve got the outskirts of Cape Town, everything inside me is wrenching to get out of the nearest exit. I’m rotten on the inside, but don’t have the heart to tell the ultra likeable L.

Pulling into the hotel car park, every little movement is potentially deadly. When a security guard asks us to sign in I think I might cry; when L insists on a hug goodbye, there’s a very real chance I might be evacuated completely.

Finally I collapse into the toilet, and there I stay for the rest of the uncomfortable evening.